Where It Begins

Andrea Wenger
Mar 1
3 min read

"We are going to start sending those home who want to be at home at this time"

was the conclusion of a meeting I had predicted was going to last at least one hour. Instead, 15 minutes in, everything changed. I did not fully grasp how that decision would impact my life—the one I had built and lived for the past two years. It was March 2020. Summer in New Zealand was fading, the air was getting chillier, and half an hour later, we broke the news to the students. None of us had expected this outcome.

The Impact Of COVID-19

After that initial shock, the impact of the pandemic did not hit me like a sudden wave—it was more like a slow-moving tide. People were leaving here and there - not unusual, just unusual timing - but otherwise, life went on as normal.

But as COVID-19 escalated and family matters arose back in Europe, I had to make a decision: Where would I spend the next few months? If I had known how long those "few months" would stretch, would I have made a different decision? (no regrets, though, honestly)

From Plan To Planless

At 25 years old, in 2020, my life was mapped out. I had a solid five-year AND ten-year plan. For two years, I had been deeply involved in voluntary mission work, and I loved it. My next steps were clear: return to an island in the South Pacific, then attend another Bible school -preferably in the US - and eventually serve in a crisis zone, helping in non-medical ways, as that was not my area of expertise.

The pandemic shattered that roadmap, sending my life into what felt like freefall.

As a planner and perfectionist, I fully commit to my decisions. I had said yes to that plan, no matter what it took. So when I returned to Europe in late April 2020, I spent months figuring out how to get back on track as soon as the lockdowns lifted.

But as we all know, the pandemic didn't last a few months. It lasted years.

Over time, those carefully constructed plans crumbled. I slowly realized that life isn't a straight line from A to B. Maybe - just maybe - there was something else for me to explore.

When Letting Go Feels Like Failure

For some, an open future might sound exciting. For me, it felt like a downward spiral.

Every attempt to return to my original path ended in failure. I kept forcing doors open, hitting my head against walls, and ending up with metaphorical nosebleeds more than once, trying to push through. Letting go of my plan was painful; not having one was even harder.

Even after the world reopened, my life didn't pick up. I kept trying to put the pieces back together - only to realize that not only were some pieces missing, but most of them no longer fit at all.

A New Dream - Or An Old One?

The last five years have been filled with a lot of nothing. Drifting. Trying to adjust. Feeling stuck. Losing yourself and realizing that much of your identity was tied to your environment is a tough pill to swallow.

So, where do you start when you feel like you have to rebuild from scratch?

Maybe, just maybe, you start with the dream you've always had. The ones you were too afraid to chase before.

Because what will people think?

Probably nothing. Honestly, who has time to analyze someone else's life?